By Amelia Hamilton

Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I will take the latest news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

Happy Easter!

My friend Dan shared this video today, which, although it’s for Christmas, is perfect for today.

This Archbishop in Louisiana got into a bi-plane and performed a fly-over blessing (complete with raining holy water on those below).

Verdict: For the Christians among us, Easter means we are definitely not doomed. For everyone else, I hope seeing how everyone is coming together (same goes for my friends doing Zoom seders this year!) even without traditional togetherness displays a general lack of doom.

A Matter of Taste

There exists an instagram account that is dedicated to a deep and abiding thirst for Andrew Cuomo. There is also an instagram account dedicated to the glorious scarves worn by Doctor/Queen/Icon Deborah Birx.

Verdict: One of these accounts displays the good taste of the undoomed, and one displays the terrible taste of the certainly doomed. I will leave it to you to determine which is which, and may God have mercy on your soul if you choose incorrectly.

Passing the Time Creatively

Last week, I showed you a family singing a Les Mis parody. This week, we’ve got a guy doing Disney songs and people recreating classic works of art.

Verdict: Fun and educational (well, the art ones anyway). I’ll take this as a sign that doom is not imminent.

And You’ll Never Be Royal

Former royals and current look-at-mes Harry and Meghan have decided that a global crisis is a good time to announce that they’re starting a nonprofit. They’re going to tell you later what it does. I figured it out though, and I shared that with Velvet Hamster earlier this week.

Meanwhile, current royal Queen Elizabeth II addressed a weary nation.

Verdict: This is a sink or swim moment for humanity. Stop validating the behavior of these unroyals and they will go away, taking doom with them. Give them attention or validation, and they will only grow stronger. The doom will take us all. Currently, the hero of this story is a nonagenarian who does not have time for millennial BS.

Speaking of Nonagenarians

I would marry this man right now.

Verdict: We must revere and emulate such men so that we do not bring on the doom.

World Gone Mad

Reports are that Los Angeles (the one in California, the one you’re thinking of) has the cleanest air in the world right now, which seems patently false. But, apparently, it isn’t. Because we are in the upside-down.

Verdict: I was specifically told the world would end if America didn’t sign a piece of paper we didn’t sign, so this seems fake for a number of reasons. However, this is 2020, and anything can be real. So, I guess Los Angeles isn’t doomed at the moment, but does that doom the rest of us? It’s hard to say.

Doing Good

Shout out to Matthew McConaughey for running a zoom bingo game for seniors while everyone remains in quarantine. Thank you to this teacher who took a white board to a student’s house and gave her homework help through the window. Guy Fieri is giving financial help to restaurant workers affected by Coronavirus.  In Riverside County, California, the animal shelter has been cleared. Every single animal found a forever home.

Verdict: You see who people are in a crisis. There are people who will knock you over for a third 18-pack of toilet paper, and there are these people. The latter are not doomed.

Be Less Horrible Than This

Have you noticed we’re not supposed to go out and about right now? Maybe you’ve been relying on delivery (you have; we all have) to get what you need or simply what you want. Most of us are human beings and, thus, we think about the person who has to spend his or her day working and delivering these things to us at personal risk. And then there are people who promise Instacart shoppers huge tips and then change the tips to zero at the last minute.

Verdict: Not being this horrible is not asking for a lot. It’s a really low bar. People doing this are completely doomed.

Thanks, Hamsters!

Last week, I shared that my friend and I were raising money to send delicious and comforting food to front-line medical workers in cities that have been hit hard. We exceeded our goal, and meals have either gone out or are being scheduled. I’ll assume it was you guys who did that, and we thank you!

Verdict: Others may be doomed, but Hamster people are good people.

In the final analysis: There’s a lot to worry about right now. A lot of people being uncool to each other. But there are also a lot of people being excellent to each other. We’re not doomed. Check back next week, though. It could all go downhill.

BUT ARE YOU DOOMED?

Not only am I here to tell you if the world is doomed, but if you are doomed personally. For the first time, I’m answering questions from Velvet Hamster readers.

Am I doomed individually with no malice aforethought, or does the irresponsibility of my neighbors doing things like walking down the street seal my doom?- Corona Curious

Dear Curious,
You are not doomed in general, but you may be facing a doomful situation if your neighbors keep trying to kill you. Good luck I guess?

My wife works at Winco, a grocery store here in Oregon. It is the busiest Winco store in the entire company. Since this started a month+ ago, she has been working upwards of 60 hours/week. We have 4 year old boy/girl twins. They are great but they feed off of each other. Once they get going, whether good or bad, it is nearly impossible to get them back down to normal. I work from home now since my company doesn’t want anyone in the office. I am guessing I am beyond doomed.

–Feeling Ominous in Oregon

Dear Ominous,

Nah, you’re not doomed. Everyone has gotten used to crazy kids on their zoom calls by now, so not to worry on that part. Will you be able to get any work done with twin toddlers around and a wife who is gone at work? Probably not, no. But, right now, everybody understands. Do what you can, be honest about what you can’t get done so that expectations are managed. Tell your wife not to get Coronavirus at work.

I’m a 37 year-old smoker, moderate drinker, work I IT for an insurance company, unmarried and living alone. Am I doomed? – E in Indiana

Dear Indiana,

It’s hard to say if you’re doomed. Smoking is very doomy and it also decreases the chances anyone will ever kiss you, so there goes the marriage part (assuming you’ll want to kiss her at some point). When you say “living alone?” does that mean you don’t even have a dog, because most people without dogs are already doomed. Can you quit smoking and get a dog and then get back to me?

Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!