The Velvet Hamster https://velvethamster.com Fri, 03 Nov 2023 19:23:10 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://velvethamster.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/cropped-logo-01-32x32.png The Velvet Hamster https://velvethamster.com 32 32 NBA unveils new court designs to make new In-Season Tournament not feel completely fucking pointless  https://velvethamster.com/nba-unveils-new-court-designs-to-make-new-in-season-tournament-not-feel-completely-fucking-pointless/ Fri, 03 Nov 2023 19:23:08 +0000 https://velvethamster.com/?p=6033 By Marty Jablonski, guest columnist I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 1,000 times: my favorite thing about sports is the playing surface. I love freshly painted end zones. A freshly cut baseball diamond gets me hot and bothered. And don’t get me started on a clean sheet of ice after the Zamboni just got done suckin it off. Sometimes I yell “me next!” once that beautiful vehicle finishes…

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Loogatdis Shit: Here’s What Sucks June 9 https://velvethamster.com/loogatdis-shit-heres-what-sucks-june-9/ Fri, 09 Jun 2023 15:12:05 +0000 https://velvethamster.com/?p=6021 By Chris from Chicago It’s been rather dry here in Chicago. We’ve had some light sprinkles but no real rain. As a homeowner (lah dee dah Mr. Fancy Pants), I can’t help but look at my yard and fear what my next water bill will look like. We’re spoiled here because we’re situated right on one of the OK lakes. Presently, however, folks from Texas, Arizona, and California are telling me to suck…

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Loogatdis Shit: Here’s What Sucks June 3 https://velvethamster.com/loogatdis-shit-heres-what-sucks-june-3/ Sat, 03 Jun 2023 17:00:16 +0000 https://velvethamster.com/?p=6016 By Chris from Chicago School’s out for summer or if it isn’t, it will be soon. Parents everywhere just groaned a sigh of resignment. This means that kids will be hanging around houses, driving parents batty, and just acting like shits. The older ones seem to be rounding into form early. I saw one kid pissing on a fence in broad daylight. He wasn’t even trying to hide it. Add in some cheap…

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Loogatdis Shit: Here’s What Sucks June 1 https://velvethamster.com/loogatdis-shit-heres-what-sucks-june-1/ Thu, 01 Jun 2023 01:36:30 +0000 https://velvethamster.com/?p=5987 By Chris from Chicago Summer is basically here. Kids are out of school, the weather is getting warmer, and every night I am serenaded by mortar explosions. I was led to believe that fireworks were illegal in Illinois but here I am every night cowering in the corner of my room, unable to sleep, all because some guy decided that a Tuesday night is a great time to blow some shit up.

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Denver or Wendy’s spicy? Power ranking Nuggets https://velvethamster.com/denver-or-wendys-spicy-power-ranking-nuggets/ Thu, 01 Jun 2023 01:25:11 +0000 https://velvethamster.com/?p=5984 By Joe Kaiser With the Denver Nuggets in the NBA Finals for the first time in franchise history, there is a lot of mention of Nuggets. So it’s time to definitively decide, which Nuggets are the best Nuggets? Can the 2022-2023 Denver team edge Wendy’s spicy? A list: 15. Dinonuggets: These crack the list on nostalgia and brand identity. They probably aren’t really that good.

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Loogatdis Shit: Here’s What Sucks May 27 https://velvethamster.com/loogatdis-shit-heres-what-sucks-may-27/ Fri, 26 May 2023 23:22:05 +0000 https://velvethamster.com/?p=5980 By Chris from Chicago My wife and I have a tradition that started about 10 years ago. During the last full week of May, we go to the Snacks & Sweets show at McCormick Place. Ever since seeing Homer Badman nearly 30 years ago (Christ Almighty), I’ve wanted to dress up in my finest trench coat and steal the Gummi De Milo. Unfortunately, every year I am left surrounded by the finest snacks and…

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Loogatdis Shit: Here’s what sucks May 24 https://velvethamster.com/loogatdis-shit-heres-what-sucks-may-24/ Wed, 24 May 2023 03:16:09 +0000 https://velvethamster.com/?p=5976 By Chris from Chicago The internet is a wild place. Earlier this week, a young, enterprising New Yorker found a knock-off couch that she thought was worth $8,000. She did what any $5,000 rent paying NYer would do…she “cleaned” it and brought it up to her apartment. At least the cockroaches and rats will now have bed bugs as new roommates. Millennium Park has a fox problem.

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Loogatdis Shit: Here’s what sucks May 19 https://velvethamster.com/loogatdis-shit-heres-what-sucks-may-19/ Fri, 19 May 2023 19:45:57 +0000 https://velvethamster.com/?p=5970 By Chris from Chicago Every night before I go to sleep, I check the weather for the next day. It’s one of the few normal things about me. Last night, I saw that there was a 90% of rain likely to occur all morning. Fantastic. I don’t have to water the plants or the lawn. Instead, I can spend my Friday as God intended: being a lazy ass. Instead, literally 5 drops of rain fell from the heavens.

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Loogatdis Shit: The NBA draft, sunsets & tax hikes https://velvethamster.com/loogatdis-shit-the-nba-draft-sunsets-tax-hikes/ Thu, 18 May 2023 01:38:05 +0000 https://velvethamster.com/?p=5965 By Chris from Chicago Have you ever watched a car wreck in slow motion? Just can’t turn your eyes away from the anarchy. If you’ve ever lived in Chicago, then you witness this on a daily basis. Of course, you’ll have to read a lot of phony baloney articles to know what’s going on. Well no more! I’m going to tell you everything you need to know in easy-to-digest bullet form! Introducing…

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Giuliani claims there may have been second slapper hiding behind the produce https://velvethamster.com/giuliani-claims-there-may-have-been-second-slapper-hiding-behind-the-produce/ Mon, 27 Jun 2022 22:45:30 +0000 https://velvethamster.com/?p=5947 After being slapped at a grocery store this week, former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani is telling authorities he believes there may have been a second slapper in the grocery store, hiding somewhere behind the produce. Giuliani said he felt like the gentle slap on the back was a gun shot, which promptly led to the arrest of the ShopRite employee. However, now Giuliani is hoping an investigation is…

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