Summer is basically here. Kids are out of school, the weather is getting warmer, and every night I am serenaded by mortar explosions. I was led to believe that fireworks were illegal in Illinois but here I am every night cowering in the corner of my room, unable to sleep, all because some guy decided that a Tuesday night is a great time to blow some shit up. This nonsense is going to continue for the next three months. Guess I’d better stock up on more Malort.
Congressman has no sense of humor. As you become more famous, it’s inevitable that people are going to make fun of you. Usually, the best course of action is to ignore it. Not if you’re AOC. If you happen to notice a parody account clearly marked as a parody account mocking your policy statements, you post a very public tweet warning about the account and assert that you and your team will be looking into options on how to deal with it moving forward. Guess it’s hard to deal with parody when it hits a little too close to home…
Everyone wants Chick-Fil-A banned. First it was the folks on the left that wanted to cancel the chicken joint for being homophobic. Now it’s the folks on the right that are all about canceling because the chain hired a Director of Diversity that happens to be black. Now is the time that everyone should remember that Chicago has Harold’s, the superior chicken joint. Get yourself a 6 piece, fried hard. Don’t forget the sauce.
Raccoon’s are people too. In Florida this week, a woman captured a video of a raccoon strolling casually through a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru to get a donut. No word on if the adorable trash panda now has diabetes.
Old man impregnates woman. HOOAH! Al Pacino, 83, managed to convince a 29 year old that she should carry his child. Al’s out here giving hope to every horned up old dude. He’s also creeping out most women…except the gold diggers.