By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
There is hockey
You know that I will always count on hockey and dogs to make things better. Gritty, the worst mascot in hockey (but that’s ok; it’s still hockey) cheered up kids in the Philadelphia community by celebrating with them as they graduated from kindergarten.
Verdict: Bringing a little joy to the community and making more hockey fans in the process? That’s a double-dose of undoom.
This is not whimsical
Listen, whimsical taxidermy is one thing, but making Sasquatches out of deer butts are something else entirely. I do not support this.
Verdict: We are seriously doomed. What nonsense is this?
To protect and serve
I know that problems within law enforcement are in the news right now, so it’s important that we don’t forget that the vast majority of law enforcement officers are good people who went into that line of work to help their communities. Here, we see a protester in crisis reach out to a police officer, who helps her. It’s as simple as that, but it’s everything.
Verdict: Let’s get back to basics. Look at people as people rather than as parts of group. A human in trouble needed help, she looked to another human, and he helped. It doesn’t matter that they were on different “sides,” because they saw each other as people. If we can all do that, we can’t possibly be doomed.
Why
Why is Gwyneth Paltrow so obsessed with herself? First, she made a candle that smelled like her vagina, and now she’s made one that smells like her vagina having a good time. And her son joined her on Kimmel to talk about it.
Verdict: Can people just…not be gross? The fact that we’re living in a world where this product exists and that people will probably drop the $75 for it, and that she is hawking it with her son around means that we are, in fact, completely doomed.
Love is the best
A nursing home in Pennsylvania shared how some of their residents met their spouses. Some are sweet, some are funny, and all tell a story.
Verdict: When we focus on love, the doom can’t get to us.
Hard pass
A school district in Ohio is going to require kids to wear actual tracking devices when they come back to school in August. They will then keep a log of where those students are. That way, they say, they can more effectively contact trace the kids and prevent or minimize COVID outbreaks. I don’t know about you, but nobody (especially not the government) is putting a tracking device on my hypothetical kid.
Verdict: If we open the door for the government to do stuff like this, we are completely doomed.
Snuggles help
I have always suspected that snuggles are, in fact, medicinal. I was right (as usual).
Verdict: These little guys are showing us how it’s done. Just be there for each other, and we will all get through the tough times, even when it seems we’re doomed.
Surprise Bourbon!
A statue was recently taken down (you know why) and bourbon was discovered underneath. Think what you like about the statue (this column isn’t the place for nuanced political conversations), finding surprise bourbon underneath is pretty cool.
Verdict: Fun little surprises make life better and so does bourbon. Put the two together, and you’ve got a pretty good antidote to doom.
Atta boy
This needs no introduction:
Verdict: If we could all live with such joy in the moments, our lives would have much less doom. Let us all endeavor to be more like dogs.
Love thy neighbor
A liquor store in Chicago was looted last week and the perpetrators also attacked the owner. A stranger, a 22 year-old woman, stood guard outside for hours, telling the owners “I’m not here to attack you. I’m not here to break into your store. What I will do is stand in front of this store and guard this store while you take a break.”
Verdict: Seeing someone who needs help and helping them is how we win over the doom. This young woman is an example to us.
Fun still happens
It can be easy to think that fun doesn’t happen in 2020, but it does. Famed art and antiquities collector Forrest Fenn hid $1 million in treasure in the Rocky Mountains ten years ago, left some clues, and let explorers go searching for it. Just recently, it was found!
Verdict: There are so many things here that tell me doom is not imminent. We have people exploring, getting out and being creative, and trying to find things for themselves. We have a guy who was willing to spark that fire in people, and we have people just doing something fun. Maybe we’re going to be ok after all.
Sexy time gets as unsexy as possible
The state of New York has some thoughts on how to get jiggy with it (do kids these days still get that reference?), and I can’t think of anyone less qualified to give me advice. In their “Safer Sex and COVID-19” guidelines, they suggest things like only having sex with a small number of people (or even going it alone,) only having sex with people who consent (surely this is always good advice?), wearing a face mask, “get creative with positions” so you don’t breathe on each other, and maybe even use “physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact.”
Verdict: If people need the government to tell them not to sleep around during a pandemic, we really are doomed. I don’t even know what to say about the walls and stuff. We’re doomed and I can’t think about this any more or my brain will vomit.
Be excellent to each other
Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves had this message for the class of 2020:
Verdict: If we would all party on and be excellent to each other, what a wonderful world it would be. How could the doom touch us then?
Helping dogs.
While the PGA tour is on pause, tour pros are fostering dogs, and it’s wonderful.
Verdict: Helping those in need, even (especially?) the dogs, will always keep the doom away.
In the final analysis… I know we are living in a whirlwind right now. We’ve got a lot going on that can make it look like doom (which I addressed in last week’s column), but this world is still good. People are kind. Dogs exist. I think we’re going to be ok. Just don’t buy that weird candle.
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editor@velvethamster.com. Let me help!