By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
The elephant in the room.
OK, we all know where the attention is on right now, and it has all of the signs of impending doom. So, let’s just hit that first. Disbanding the police? Can people be reasonable and find a middle ground anymore (in this case, the one that says we need to get rid of systemic problems within the police, but not the entire system) or is that no longer a setting that humans have? We don’t want people running from police in fear and we don’t want police running in fear of the people like in Britain.
Listen to Condi, OK? She still has that “reasonable and realistic” setting.
Listen to Teri Crews.
Listen to Kira Davis.
Just be kind.
And do not come to my column and disrespect Cracker Barrel, because I won’t hear it.
Verdict: We might be doomed if people won’t listen to the ones speaking truth rather than trying to score points by getting people angry.
Love your community
This teen spent 10 hours cleaning up his community after riots went through, and the community helped supported him right back.
Verdict: It’s not hard to love each other. Just…do that. Then we can keep the doom far far away.
Just listen to yourself
To steal a phrase from the aforementioned Kira Davis, just listen to yourself. CHAZ people, you are walking examples of how much people need to learn history. You tried to be communists and ran out of food in, what, a day? Well, it’s hardly the first time communism has starved people. Fortunately, you’re in America (sorry to break it to you), so you won’t actually die of it. Also, just a tip, you can’t grow food on cardboard (you can use it in some ways, but this isn’t one of them).
I’m not sure if history has failed you here or if you’re just really leaning into that whole “murderous regime” thing, but brown shirts are not a good look.
I don’t do politics in this column, but I’m banking on the fact that nobody thinks communism was or is a good idea. Please let me be right about that.
Verdict: Jury is out. Are these people going to be soundly mocked, or are people honestly unaware of history to this level? I’m not feeling confident about the answer.
People haven’t changed
Doctors had to remove an entire fish from this guy’s rectum. He says he accidentally sat on it.
Verdict: Hard to say. Does it make you feel better or worse that humankind hasn’t changed while everything is going mad?
Put the “play” in “play ball”
It has to be weird for athletes to play to an empty stadium. Sex toys were a bad idea for seat fillers, but actual toys are kind of cute.
Verdict: Until we can get actual, cheering fans in there, this is a cute idea. Having fun brings us further from doom. Then again, where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Stop being dumb
As usual, people (on all “sides”) are going too far. What should be a movement for justice is now a catch-all for the grievance of the day. Now they’re coming for cartoon police dogs and taking the rifle away from Elmer Fudd. How is he going to hunt “wabbits” now? In case you were wondering, they’re still ok with over-the-top violence like TNT.
Verdict: Remember when they had little messages after GI Joe? “Knowing is half the battle” and all that? I remember them telling us to find a policeman if we need help. Now we’re worried about Paw Patrol. We have gotten weak and fearful in a generation, and it kinda sounds like we’re doomed.
Start being smart
Since living your life isn’t allowed but rioting is, people are simply rebranding. Like this race track that held a “protest race” (before the law shut them down while the world burns around it).
Verdict: Why not? The virus doesn’t know the difference. Either it’s safe to gather or it’s not. We’re doomed if we can’t all agree to that really simple logic.
Here’s something fun.
I don’t know why this makes me so happy and I’m not going to try to figure it out.
Verdict: This is weird and fun and I like it. Go get some books and be not-doomed.
Building Neighborhoods
The best way to move forward and live together in harmony is just to do it. Street by street, neighborhood by neighborhood. Here’s one initiative I love.
Verdict: Share books. Share plants. Invest in your community. If we focus on solutions in our own communities instead of anger on social media, we’re going to be ok.
The Truth is Out There
A repeating radio burst is coming from outer space, so I guess aliens are trying to get in touch.
Verdict: Depends. Are the aliens coming to help us out, or are they just dropping off soy-based meat substitutes for the CHAZ people? I guess we’ll find out if we’re doomed or not.
Makeup and tacos
At least there are tacos, right? ELF Makeup has done a collaboration with Chipotle for their new colors and, at this point, why not?
Verdict: Sure. I like makeup and tacos. More than that, I like things that don’t take themselves too seriously. We need a little more of that right now.
Holey Moley
I’m not kidding, we need to take ourselves less seriously. That’s why the TV show Holey Moley is kind of saving me right now. It’s a mini golf competition show kind of…crossed with Wipeout? Anyway, watch it.
Verdict: If we can just take an hour and laugh and hang out every now and again, we can move forward.
In the final analysis…OK, this was a rough week. I honestly still think we’re going to be ok, but you all have to start loving each other. Promise?
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editor@velvethamster.com. Let me help!