A local man’s COVID test results came back Thursday afternoon, bizarrely confirming that he isn’t the father.

“You are not the father,” a nurse in a hazmat suit told the man exhibiting symptoms. “You also have gonorrhea, high blood pressure and are an INTJ. Thank you for your time.”

No answer was given on if he was positive for coronavirus. The man was last seen coughing near a waitress at a local sports bar.