Terrified of the bad luck that would certainly result from having someone to kiss as the new year dawns, singles across America are lowering their standards more by the minute.

“I was hoping for somebody that I could see myself being with. Shared values, good sense of humor, all of that.” said local man Kevin Franklin, a 29 year-old scorpio who loves dogs. “Even a month ago, I was looking for somebody I could at least have a nice evening and a good conversation with. Now, I just want somebody to kiss. She could be Sloth from The Goonies at this point.”

The Hamster has found that this is typical of American singles as New Year’s Eve approach