By Chris from Chicago

Have you ever watched a car wreck in slow motion? Just can’t turn your eyes away from the anarchy.

If you’ve ever lived in Chicago, then you witness this on a daily basis. Of course, you’ll have to read a lot of phony baloney articles to know what’s going on. Well no more! I’m going to tell you everything you need to know in easy-to-digest bullet form! Introducing:


The Chicago Bulls couldn’t complete the triple-suck. In April, the Bears had the #1 pick, which of course, they traded for a haul. Shortly thereafter, the Blackhawks earned the #1 pick, which they will be using on supposed generational talent Connor Bedard. It was the Bulls chance to get the #1 as well and form a sort of “triangle of suck.” Unfortunately, Jerry Reinsdorf and the Bulls suck so much, they could only muster the 11th pick which they have to give to the Orlando Magic because of some bullshit crap-ass trade.

“First you get the money.” Apparently Mayor Brandon Johnson and his cronies like to watch Scarface. A policy group with CLOSE ties to the mayor came out with a paper entitled “First we get the money” that illustrates $12 BILLION (!!!) in new taxes with cuts to useless things like police. This comes as a great shock (only not really) as the Mayor said he wouldn’t do things like create an income tax on super rich households making more than $100k annually. Never mind that the Mayor needs the state to change the law to enact this awful plan. Speaking of the state…

The House passed a bill to change the state flag. When you’ve an iconic flag like Chicago, everyone wants to get in on that action. Hell, Cook County just changed its flag for the better. Guess it’s now the state’s turn. No word on if they’ll include handcuffs to honor all of our “fantastic” governors.

We are officially living in the end times. Yesterday afternoon found us looking at a sun fresh out of Tatooine. If you listen to the weathermen, they’ll tell you that it’s because of a wild fire up in Canada but given that we just got over a plague, I’m expecting pestilence to run through here come August.

Chicago sunset on May 16.

Naperville rears its ugly head. Fox News traveled to “Chicago” to shit on us. Go figure. Only this time, they went out to Naperville to chat with a guy about the prospects of Mayor Johnson. There are some things that are inevitable around here: 1. Death 2. Taxes. 3. Naperville claiming to be Chicago.

CTU teaches good. Mayor Johnson’s biggest cheerleader went to twitter to celebrate the inauguration. Unfortunately they couldn’t help but shoot themselves in the foot. Maybe CTU should leave the politics to the criminals as we’ve done for decades.