Every night before I go to sleep, I check the weather for the next day. It’s one of the few normal things about me. Last night, I saw that there was a 90% of rain likely to occur all morning. Fantastic. I don’t have to water the plants or the lawn. Instead, I can spend my Friday as God intended: being a lazy ass. Instead, literally 5 drops of rain fell from the heavens. Now I have to get off the couch and water everything or I’ll be responsible for a plant genocide. On to the news!
Not today, Satan. The Chicago City Council, a motley crew of shitheads and criminals, has decided that only certain religions can give an invocation before the monthly meetings. Not welcome? The Satanic Temple of Illinois all because they wanted to end their invocation with “Hail Satan.” I think there was some confusion because several Aldermen were overheard saying “Fuck Satin. I’ve always been more of a Felt guy myself.”
LeBron the GOAT? No shot. Last night, the Lakers played the Nuggets and LeBron James, the supposed GOAT, performed one of the great all-time flops. This Oscar-worthy performance could only be rivaled by Italian soccer players. Meanwhile, Michael Jordan was asked for comment and simply replied with the following pictures:
TikTok banned in Montana. Earlier this week, Montana became the first state to ban TikTok. The ban, passed Wednesday, would take effect Jan 1, 2024 if the state had any clue how to actually enforce the ban. Thankfully, here in Illinois, we get to continue to watch teenagers do stupid dance moves and creeps cosplay as a FBI serial-killer hunter.
Jump Shot Live to embolden doctors. Over the past decade, the United States has seen Top Golf become a destination for drinking and terrible golf. Why drunk drive around a golf course when you can stay in one place and down dozens of White Claws? But why stop there? One company is planning to bring a similar basketball concept to cities across the country. Food, drinks, hoops, and torn ACLs. Thankfully, Jump Shot Live will partner with CVS to provide Immediate Care services on site for the inevitable injuries.
Ten Fast, Ten Furious. It’s the weekend which means it’s a great time to see a movie! New this weekend is yet another Fast and the Furious and a remake of White Men Can’t Jump. Who says Hollywood is out of ideas?
On second thought, maybe spend some time outside this weekend.