By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I will take the latest news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
Don’t Lick That
I know you think you’re going to live forever and that this looks super cool for the internets, but you’re wrong on both counts.
Verdict: I’m not a germaphobe, but you may have heard there’s a virus going around, so maybe not the best time.
Keeping The Faith
One thing that’s tough during social distancing is missing my church community. We’re currently in the season of Lent, so it feels especially odd not to be going during such a holy time. Two priests in Louisiana have come up with a way to help parishioners out. Father Louis Richard (shout out to Father Louis for officiating one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve ever attended #GettingGugenbergered) and Father Don Bernard are now taking drive-through confession at St. Mary Magdalen Church in Abbeville on Friday afternoons. Father Louis Richard said, “I’ve heard confessions in just about every place imaginable, but never like this.”
Verdict: This made my heart happy. We’re not doomed, you guys!
I SAID Don’t Lick That
This should go without saying, but don’t lick the seats on an airplane toilet. Even if there’s not a pandemic. Just don’t do that.
Verdict: Double doomed. We’re doomed because we’re all going to get coronavirus if people act this way, and we’re doomed because people are so desperate to get attention from strangers on the internet that they’ll lick the seat of an airplane toilet.
I’m from Michigan, which means that I know Meijer has everything I need. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Meijer, it’s a store that has everything one might need. If that wasn’t clear. Anyway, founder Fred Meijer’s grandson Peter Meijer is running for Congress and he is also dedicated to – you guessed it – making sure everyone has what they need.
Verdict: As long as people are out there helping each other out, we’re not doomed.
Don’t Tell Stan Lee
Marvel has some new superheroes, and I’m honestly just glad Stan Lee isn’t here to see this. They are psychic twins named Safespace and Snowflake (I’m not kidding. I wish to God I were kidding). Snowflake is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. They can make little snowflake projectiles to throw at people, so that’s cool. Safespace can create a pink forcefield for protection, but only to protect others. Not himself (a “he” with pink! So edgy!).
Then there’s some kind of Dora the Explorer inter-dimensional backpack situation but I honestly stopped reading. Which I assume everyone will do when these comics come out. *rimshot*
Verdict: We’re already doomed if this is the state of superheroes, even if nobody buys them. The doom is just more imminent if people do.
While most of us are stuck inside working from home and limiting our exposure to COVID-19 medical personnel are out there working their (gloved) fingers to the bone in the most difficult of circumstances. Fifth graders at St. Louis King of France Catholic School in New Orleans are writing them sweet letters of encouragement.
Verdict: Taking a moment out to express gratitude is one of the most important things we can do in life. This is an incredible teacher for instilling this in her students and, if this particular letter is anything to go by, we aren’t doomed at all – the future is in kind, thoughtful hands.
Maybe Rethink That
Remember when the Eagles won the Super Bowl and people celebrated by rioting? Because they are such good citizens, the Philadelphia PD has decided not to arrest people for such silly things as stealing cars or vandalism.
Verdict: Well, Philadelphia is probably doomed. I sure hope it’s not contagious.
The mayor of Baltimore is begging Baltimorons to stop shooting each other so they can use those beds for Coronavirus patients. That’s a real thing that happened. The gun laws sure aren’t doing anything, but maybe they haven’t tried asking nicely.
Verdict: I guess time will tell. I’m pretty sure we’re doomed, but maybe all the murderers will be like “oh, we weren’t thinking clearly.” and stop with the murder, in which case all is well.
Happy birthday, Olivia Grace!
Have I mentioned how much I love people helping people out? Olivia Grace was disappointed that she wouldn’t be able to go to preschool on the day of her fifth birthday. She wouldn’t be able to wear the birthday crown and see her friends. So, her mom had an idea – the night before. It was last-minute, but she messaged, friends, family, school groups, sports teams – everyone – and invited them to a drive-through parade birthday party. It invited people to “Yell out your car window, honk, and stay in your pajamas while making a girl smile!”
Cars lined up, 64 in all by OG’s mama’s count, to wish her a happy birthday. They had signs, cards, and played birthday music in the cars. Olivia Grace stood in the yard and waved to all of her birthday fans.
Verdict: People are kind. We’re going to be just fine.
If You’re Gonna Do It, Do It Right
Influencers gotta do things right.
Verdict: Oh, it’s bad.
Gratitude, Part II
The people of Brussels were out in force showing their support, too.
Verdict: It’s been heartening to see how communities have come together during this crisis. I don’t think we’re doomed after all.
In a time of crisis, one’s true character shows. Take billionaire Mark Cuban. As owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, he and the team have set up a program to ensure that every hourly game-day employee at the American Airlines Center is paid until games resume. They’re donating $100,000 to local food banks. They’re reimbursing employees who eat out (takeout, anyway) from locally-owned restaurants. And he’s helping with daycare for health-care workers who are working insane hours to keep this virus from spreading.
In the Final Analysis
Things are weird out there, but I think we’re going to make it.