By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
A woman went viral for putting Gorilla Glue in her hair when she ran out of hairspray. She seems to think that this was the fault of Gorilla Glue because they did not specifically say not to use it in hair (which, presumably, they did not do because there was no reason to believe it would ever occur to anyone to do such a thing). She finally had it removed this week and plans to ignore the doctor’s advice by getting her hair done this weekend.
Then some guy decided to prove she was lying about the sticky power of Gorilla Glue. Guess what? It’s actually sticky.
Verdict: We are doomed in so many ways in this one story. The fact that somebody actually did this to herself. The fact that she is trying to blame the company for her poor decisions. The fact that this dude then did something arguably dumber in trying to prove her wrong. Stop it, people. We can’t handle this much doom.
I don’t think the sanitation workers are getting enough credit right now. They’re coming into contract with goodness-knows-what in the middle of a pandemic. I’m extra thankful for them this week as a garbage man saved a little girl after hearing an Amber Alert about her.
Verdict: Let’s all keep an eye out for each other like this man did. Caring about each other can save us from anything. And let’s be grateful for those around us doing the overlooked work, too, ok?
Ryan Reynolds, Diddy, and David Beckham (each of whom owns or is affiliated with a liquor brand) decided to mix things up and create a cocktail. It was disgusting. With this renewed respect for bartenders, the three are donating $1 million to organizations trying to help them through the pandemic.
Verdict: Yes, I get that mixing their three liquors together was staged, but it was a cute gimmick for a good cause. This stuff is the silver lining of the pandemic, and I’m here for it. Not doomed at all.
Now do “North” and “South”
A grown adult woman got her hands tattooed “L” and “R” so she could tell her left from her right. There are myriad other ways to do this, such as remembering which hand is dominant or to see which one forms an L between thumb and forefinger when held up. Actually, scratch that last one- she thinks she might look dumb doing that. That’s what looks dumb here.
Verdict: The doom here is that people would rather do drastic things like this rather than learn something. We are completely doomed.
In the final analysis… People are doing profoundly stupid things without shame, and that’s a real problem, but people are also looking out for each other, and that’s a real solution. Let’s just get less of the former and more of the latter and we’ll really be on to something!
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. Let me help!