By Amelia Hamilton

Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

The Bike Man

This man fixes up bikes for kids in his neighborhood just because. 

Verdict: Helping people just because they need help is the best barrier against doom, so this guy is getting the job done. 

That’s Gross

Whenever I’m asked to give an opinion on the most divisive of Easter candy, I am firmly on the side of Peeps. However, this is an abomination, and it’s not just because Pepsi is the inferior cola. 

Verdict: I like innovators, but I do not like these innovators. The people who make their living with terrible flavor mash-ups are terrible. They might perhaps lead to doom. 

I have questions

One of the Ford Motor Company buildings in the Detroit area is being demolished soon and, in preparing for this, they found $100,000 in premium leather shoved in a closet or something. They decided to donate it to a local organization that employs veterans and local Detroiters to make premium leather goods. 

Verdict: No doom. However, am I doomed personally because I’ve never come across a forgotten $100k in a closet? Am I looking in the wrong closets? 

And, of course, aliens

Seriously, how is it possible there are this many alien stories? Anyway, three entirely new lifeforms have been discovered on the space station. 

Verdict: As with all of the alien stories, we can’t know for sure until things either go poorly or very very well. I don’t see this going well, though. 

In the final analysis… On the one hand, people are mixing Peeps with Pepsi and there are aliens coming at us from every direction. On the other, people are helping each other out just because they can. Also, my puppy is honestly SO CUTE YOU GUYS. Sorry. Anyway, I think we just about eke out another win this week. Be excellent to each other. 


Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!