By Amelia Hamilton

Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here. 

Mark as spam

Scientists have created spinach that can send emails. For reasons. 

Verdict: I can’t imagine this is going to turn out well. Is the rise of the spinach the next doom we will have to endure?

Heck no

I thought the self-aware spinach was bad, but this is even worse. Elon Musk has implanted a chip in the brain of a monkey which allows it to play video games. With its mind. 

Verdict: This is already doom and it’s just going to get worse. 

Good boy!

A few months ago, a man named Brian adopted a 6-year old German Shepherd called Sadie. Last week, Brian began to suffer a stroke, and Sadie dragged him to his cell phone so he could call for help and licked his face to keep him awake until it arrived. 

Verdict: As I’ve made clear in the past, dogs are the top thing standing between us and doom and, if only we would strive to deserve them, we would be sitting pretty. 

Huh?

Rapper Lil Uzi Vert (little green uzi? What?) has had a gigantic whopping diamond embedded in his forehead. 

Verdict: We are completely doomed (and so is he if he snags it on a pillowcase or gets robbed on the street) if people are wasting their money on this. We all like the finer things, but this is just greed, and that is bad. 

Eat Fresh

A lawsuit alleges that the tuna fish from Subway isn’t tuna at all, but a “mixture of various concoctions”. The attorney says that these substances are not another type of fish, either. Tuna fish expert Jessica Simpson sympathized with the confusion.

Verdict: This is just gross. We’re doomed. The only light of non-doom here is Jessica Simpson, and I’m really not sure where that leaves us. 

To the moon!

NASA mathematician Katherine Johnson (subject of the film Hidden Figures) has had a spacecraft named after her. She passed away last year at the age of 101, but her legacy will live on.  

Verdict: It’s never doom when someone is recognized for incredible achievement. Huzzah! 

Oh La La 

An 81-person orgy was busted in France…because they broke COVID curfew. 

Verdict: Eww. Doom, and I will say no more. 

In the final analysis… Emailing vegetables, mind-controlled computer chips and diamond heads. Can good dogs and the celebration of achievement over come the doom they bring? I certainly hope so. 


Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!