By Amelia Hamilton

Welcome to Are We Doomed? My new weekly column in which I take a look at recent events and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

A Lenten Disgrace

Lent is upon us. It’s the holiest time of year in the Christian calendar, and one church in Vienna is getting weird about it. While it’s traditional to drape the cross in purple (the color of royalty) starting on Palm Sunday, The Cathedral of St. Stephen has decided instead to…hang a giant purple sweater? No.

Verdict: We are doomed. When even our religious institutions aren’t taking Easter seriously, we have lost our way.

Zamboni Driver, hero

For the first time in NHL history, an emergency backup goalie (in this case, the zamboni driver David Ayres) has won a game.

Every NHL team has two goalies- the starting goalie and the backup. So, if the starting goalie is sick, injured, or just having an off day, the second-string goalie gets in the net. But what happens if he’s unable to play, too? Teams also have an emergency backup goalie, usually a college or semi-pro player, who they can call up if needed. It’s only happened three times ever.

Verdict: Watching this guy’s dream come true, winning a game, becoming a hero, being embraced by the team. It makes me think that there is still good in the world. We’re going to be ok.

Dogs and Pizza

Dogs and pizza are two of the best things in the world. Together? They’re unstoppable. A pizza place in New York is putting pictures of shelter dogs on the boxes and giving a $50 gift certificate to anyone who adopts. How can you resist those faces? And extra cheese?

Verdict: Just Pizza & Wing Co saw a problem and they’re not sitting on the sidelines complaining about it; they’re doing something to fix it. As long as people are willing to help each other (including the doggos), we are not doomed.

An Alien Glove That Sings

I guess there’s a new musical wherein Michael Jackson is controlled by his famous white glove, which is also an alien, and that’s how it forces MJ to molest kids. Hope that cleared things up.

Verdict: This is a sorry state of “art” and art matters. So, we just might be doomed.

There’s porn for that.

It turns out there’s porn for everything. For example, coronavirus. That’s right, coronavirus porn is going viral (if you’ll pardon the pun) on Pornhub. I’m sure it’s very hot. As in feverish. To be honest, most of 2020 feels like a fever dream anyway.

Verdict: We are fully doomed. By coronavirus, by pervs…just, in general.

How do you sit?

I know haute couture is art rather than fashion, but it still confuses me sometimes. For example, inflatable latex pants– why? They seem sweaty and squeaky.

Verdict: People actually claim to like these, which underlines how detached from reality people are. If people don’t get some sense, we are doomed.

Stop being weird

Have you ever wondered what kind of genitals Jesus Christ has? Nor have I. Nor has any sane person. However, there are people who think this is a really important issue and want to check out the Shroud of Turin to see if there is an image of said private parts. Please stop, humans.

Verdict: We are mostly doomed that this is even a thing, but fully doomed if this idea catches on.

The best bunny

Fortunately, there are dogs. Meet Lieutenant Dan, a 2-legged coonhound from Ohio is a finalist to be named this year’s Cadbury Easter Bunny. Learn about Lieutenant Dan and check out his tryout on the Cadbury site then vote for him here.

Verdict: We’re not doomed because Lieutenant Dan has gotten this far, but we’re not completely safe unless he wins. Time will tell.

In the final analysis

2020 isn’t great, but I don’t think we can pack it in just yet. Tune in next week to see if the just-ok streak continues.