By Amelia Hamilton

Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

Is this aliens?

I’m not sure sure when this column became “your weekly alien update” but all I can do is report on what’s happening. So, what is happening with this fast radio burst coming from inside our own galaxy?

What about the “blue hole” off Florida’s Gulf Coast? Is that an alien portal?

How about this weird cloud on Mars?

The pyramids? Those are aliens, right? Just ask Elon Musk.

Verdict: Again, hard to say, but we’re probably doomed. Maybe they’re kindly aliens, though! Aliens, if you’re reading this, remember that I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

Why?

Do we really need to be teaching 60-foot robots how to walk? No. No, we don’t.

Verdict: Let’s hope these are autobots-style good guys. Otherwise, doom.

No, WHY?

Did nobody see (or read) Jurassic Park but me? Not even the first one? Because this is how you get Jurassic Park.

Verdict:  We’re doomed for sure. Sorry.

Where there’s a will

Churches are closed, but Walmart isn’t! What’s a congregation to do?

Verdict: Think outside of the box (store), live your life. This will save us from the doom.

But that’s Norway

The owners of a bed and breakfast in Michigan are proud of their Norwegian roots, so they fly a Norwegian flag out front. Unfortunately, a bunch of people got it mixed up with a confederate flag (which it only kind of resembles), so they took it down.

Verdict: We’re doomed if people just cave instead of educating the wrong among us. 

I’ll have water

Nobody asked French’s to make a mustard beer, but they did it anyway.

Verdict: I’m all for businesses trying new things to make a buck, but we’re doomed if anybody buys this nonsense. Let’s save the world by drinking champagne.

Weird Bugs

Old and busted: Murder hornets

New hotness: Zombie cicadas (they’re under the influence of a mind-controlling fungus!)

Verdict: DOOMED. I don’t even want to know what September’s horrifying bug is going to be.

911, this is kind of an emergency

Verdict: I hate to be a downer, but this sure seems like we’re doomed.

It’s OK to have fun

I know the internet would have you believe that we have to be very serious all the time, but it’s still OK to have fun. The Kansas City Royals (fun fact: They’re a baseball team) have cardboard cutouts in the stands so they’re not just playing to a giant empty stadium, and they decided to stick Bernie Lomax in there.

In the final analysis…Aliens are still (maybe) a thing and zombie bugs are here to eat our brains (also maybe), but people are getting together to worship and having fun in the stands, so maybe we’re going to be ok. But the aliens seriously need to stop.

Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!