By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
Since I took last week off for Easter, this is a double edition, so buckle up.
Extensions
While I generally think extensions are cheating, I will allow them in the case of this red-tailed hawk who got a feather transplant.
Verdict: I love that there are people out there taking the time to help animals like this. We are not doomed.
That’s gross
I can’t think of anything I want less than a deep-friend corndog with a pickle inside that is served with a side of peanut butter.
Verdict: Gluttony is bad and we are doomed.
Sweet Sisu
A sweet dog named Sisu was picked up by animal control after he kept breaking into a store trying to steal a stuffed unicorn. When animal control came to get him, the officer bought him the unicorn to take with him to the shelter. Sisu and his unicorn has been adopted.
Verdict: Kindness and dogs. What else do we need?
Have we sunk so low?
The headline is “Miami Stripper Arrested for Squirting Vaginal Fluids at Police Officers in Self Defense” and that’s honestly all you need to know.
Verdict: Have we so little decorum that this is a thing? We are completely doomed.
Let’s get this out of the way
Let’s just get this out of the way while you’re already in a pit of despair from that last story. Gwyneth Paltrow sent Kim Kardashian a “sorry about the divorce” care package that included lube, a vibrator, and a “this smells like Kim’s orgasm” candle.
Verdict: What’s worse? That this exists, that GP sent it to someone, or that the recipient then posted it on instagram for the world to see? We’re doomed.
Sorry, there’s one more
One more before I cleanse your mind with other things, sorry.
The New York Post ran an article headlined “NYC singles ready for ‘slutty summer’ of casual sex as COVID-19 vaccinations rise.” That piece of journalism included this:
“I’ve always been this girl who is go with the flow, down for whatever, jump into the orgy pile,” North, 32, told The Post. “Now, it has to be the right orgy pile, the right connection.”
Verdict: Completely and utterly doomed.
Save the Bees
I know bees are important and everything, but I don’t want to be this guy who had 15,000 of them swarm his car while he was grocery shopping.
Verdict: This doesn’t seem good. Then again, they were removed safely, so maybe we’re ok? Hard call. It’s not like we have giant lizards getting into stores, rights? Crap. Well, least it’s not like Juarassic Park or anything. Crap again. OK, maybe we’re doomed.
But we need that
“The United States is one step closer to establish a research program to block the sun.”
Verdict: I honestly don’t care how many steps there are, one is too many to move forward. Sounds like doom to me.
The Meme Wars
Veterans of the meme wars have long been dismissed an unimportant, but that could all be about to change. Mariners working to clear the ship stuck in the Suez Canal said that seeing memes about the situation motivated them to work even harder. It was a matter of national pride.
Verdict: We can get things done with memes? This changes everything. We’re going to be ok!
In the final analysis… Two weeks and double the doom. Here’s hoping dogs and memes can save us, because they’re looking like our only hope right about now.
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!