By Amelia Hamilton

Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent events and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

Sing Along!

While I very much enjoyed watching how these two churches celebrated Easter by singing the Hallelujah Chorus while social distancing, I also enjoyed this family remake of a Journey video.


Verdict: Keeping church communities together and families having creative fun tells me that society isn’t completely doomed yet.

Nope

I thought pizza rat was bad, never suspecting that I’d someday have to live with the knowledge that cannibal rats existed.

Verdict: This isn’t good, guys.

Umm

Did you know there are wildfires raging near Chernobyl? There are wildfires raging near Chernobyl.

Verdict: Maybe just Chernobyl is doomed, but this isn’t looking good for anybody, really.

Hey, Bartender

93 year-old Olive Veronesi had a quarantine problem.

Well, problem solved. Coors delivered 150 cans right to her house.

Verdict: I love this story. The woman wanted beer, the brewer got her fixed up. Let’s all help each other out with the little things as well as the big. I like Stella Artois cidre, if you were curious.

Sorry, Luimere.

So, this lady is in love with a 92 year-old chandelier, who she has named Lumiere. She took The Sun newspaper to court for making fun of her, but it turns out being in love with a chandelier isn’t a sexual orientation, so it’s not illegal. Also, for what it’s worth, the lady is named Amanda Liberty, which is the name she took when she was in a relationship with the Statue of Liberty, her former lover. I’m not sure why they broke up, and I kind of want to know, and I also really don’t.

Verdict: We’re completely doomed that people are trying to get into relationships with inanimate objects instead of each other. I guess we are less doomed that “in love with a chandelier” isn’t considered a sexual orientation, but that’s cold comfort. Do you think Lumiere is relieved or disappointed?

Saluti!

Don’t let the government keep you from living your life.

Verdict: Has anyone else been made really aware of their lack of balcony during this pandemic? This looks fun, and it makes me think we can stave off the doom.

The Greatest Generation

I have a thing for men who served in WWII, and with good reason. Take 99 year-old Captain Tom Moore for example. He wanted to raise £1,000 to help the National Health Service (NHS) and has, so far, raised £20.2 million from more than a million people- including Prince William. HRH praised Moore, saying “What I love also is that he’s a 99-year-old war vet, he’s been around a long time, knows everything and it’s wonderful that everyone has been inspired by his story and his determination.” Moore was delighted, responding “That I think is absolutely amazing. That my super prince can say something like that.”

Henceforth, he’s to be known as Super Prince, ok?

Verdict: We aren’t doomed at all as long as there are people willing to step up and help. Moore and his million supporters give me hope.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

People are being neighborly in New York. Check out these examples of people helping each other out in a difficult time.

Verdict: This warms up my doom-chilled heart.

OK, Karen.

A middle-class white lady thinks it’s anti-middle-class white lady to call people Karen which is, honestly, peak Karen. She is all of the offended.

Verdict: People need to lighten up or the doom is inevitable.

Thank You!

A final note on the fundraiser I told you about. My friend Ellen and I got the rest of the meals out to medical workers last week, and we thank you for your support!

Verdict: People are good. People want to help each other. That means that we’re not doomed at all.

In the final analysis, it’s clear that the world has gone a little mad. However, it’s also clear that people are willing to step up and help each other in big ways and small, and are having fun in difficult circumstances. I think we’re safe, you guys. At least for now.

Wondering if you’re doomed? Tweet your question to Amelia @AmeliaHammy or email us at editorial@velvethamster.com