President Donald Trump spent all of last night and into this morning stuck on the toilet after a full day of eating nothing but Goya beans, the White House told the Hamster Wednesday.
Trump reportedly started the day prior with black beans for breakfast, followed by rice and beans for lunch without the rice, and a gallon mix of black, pinto and kidney beans for dinner. He was said to have started shitting around 11 p.m. Tuesday and spent a majority of the night in the bathroom.
“These beans are very powerful,” Trump told aides. “Very powerful, gigantic poops. Some of the biggest poops anyone has ever seen. Great beans though, tremendous beans. I eat them for all meals: breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. They’re tremendous. Lot of protein. Good for your heart. More you eat more you fart. Isn’t that the saying? ‘Beans beans the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot. Beans, beans good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart. The more you fart the better you feel so let’s eat beans at every meal.’ And that’s what I did. And people say ‘oh that’s a lot of beans’ but you know, I like them.”
White House staff are reportedly urging the president to eat a banana or dry toast.