Presidential candidate Joe Biden – often maligned for his old age and diminishing memory and wit – is actually just 37 years old and has been the victim of a Russian disinformation campaign, the Velvet Hamster has learned in a major scoop.

Russian agents have made Biden look and sound older than he is by manipulating television broadcasts and social media clips, part of their latest effort to influence our elections. Sources told the Hamster this weekend that Biden is actually 37 and is a quick witted public policy wonk known for being a master of the English language and reciting facts, statistics and names. Sources also confirmed that the Trump campaign colluded with Russia to create the appearance that Biden – like Trump – was also too old and mentally unfit to be president.

The Hamster is working to verify if the 1994 crime bill, allegations of sexual misconduct and the Corn Pop stories are all also Russian disinformation.