A completely rebuilt and powerful Donald Trump left Walter Reed Medical Center Monday stronger than ever, now equipped to vanquish his enemies.

Trump spent the weekend at Walter Reed to recover from coronavirus, and after many conflicting reports about his condition, met the public Monday with a range of new powers.

“Thanks to the tremendous work here at Walter Reed, I feel better than I did 20 years ago, let me tell you,” Trump said, adjusting the cannon on his shoulder. “We took some really great drugs, some terrific treatments. Some things I think you’ll all be really excited about. Really exciting things. We did the light, we did the bleach, we did the ginger ale. Lots of treatments. The fake news media – it was really disgraceful, the way they reported my condition as doing badly. Disgraceful. I said to my doctors ‘where are they getting this from? I’m doing terrific, right? Have they not seen my new iron suit?’ And they said ‘yes Mr. President you’re doing terrific.’ Really they hadn’t seen someone do so well, COVID or not, as me. It was really tremendous. I’m in better shape than ever. Ready to defeat Sleepy Joe and keep doing great things for America, like Big Ten. We got Big Ten back. You know that, don’t you? So we’re doing really terrific things, just like this iron suit. Terrific.”

The president has yet to fully explain what abilities his new iron suit gives him, but opponents are concerned he may be destructive.