After a fiery debate, the one place you get your news can confirm that your candidate destroyed the other guy, who is a jerk.

Your candidate was clear, clever, and convincing while that loser behind the other podium was evasive, rude, and probably smells like feet.

The cable news channel that tailors its programming around your world view agrees that your favorite candidate nailed that no-talent ass clown who has the audacity to run for president when he said that one really clever thing. Said ass clown really crossed the line when he responded, though. Good thing you’re not one of those idiots who is going to vote for him. 

We at the Velvet Hamster are proud of you for calling this so accurately. Congratulations on your guy winning! 

At press time, Chris Wallace was on the men’s room floor babbling, so we were unable to reach him for coherent comment.