In a tragic turn of events, a local man’s decision to use a plastic straw instead of a paper straw or no straw has sped up the end of the world five years.
The Hamster has learned the world will now end in 2025, possibly sooner if the man continues to use plastic water bottles too. His recklessness was seen on display as he enjoyed a vanilla milkshake Wednesday afternoon, but experts suggest if he switches to paper straws and stops eating beef he could extend the world’s existence by as many as seven years himself.
The Hamster will continue to track the man’s habits.