By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
Answer in the form of a question
This week was the NHL Draft, and one team went fully Canadian.
Verdict: I love hockey and I love people who don’t take themselves too seriously. So, all the love and none of the doom with this one.
You’re no Trebek
Unfortunately, we also had some celebrities make bad choices this week. Well, all of them made the same bad choice – to take part in this video.
Verdict: The internet is a dark place full of terrible things, and this is one of them. Full.. Doom.
Get ready for Halloween!
Having trouble picking a costume? Good news – you can be a sexy mail-in ballot!
Verdict: This is slutty, not sexy, but the world really doesn’t need a slutty ballot, either. Yep, we’re doomed.
Bend it like the mailman
A little girl found out her mailman used to play soccer professionally and asked him for a few tips. Now, when he has an extra minute, he runs drills with her.
Verdict: Taking time to show someone they matter is always time well spent – it’s also time that counts against doom.
Catch the wave
Remember the guy (his name is Nathan Apadoca) who drank Ocean Spray while skateboarding to work and lip-synching some Fleetwood Mac? It went viral last month. After that, Mick Fleetwood did his own version of the video as did the CEO of Ocean Spray.
Ocean Spray went a step further, though. When they heard Apodaca was riding a skateboard to work because his car battery died, they surprised him with a new truck – loaded with Ocean Spray juice.
Verdict: We’ve got fun, we’ve got the celeb involved getting on board, we’ve got the company involved getting on board, and we’ve got people helping their fellow man. I can’t imagine less doom.
Fighting in a grocery store
One positive outcome of the lockdown has been the innovative creativity. Check out this thread (the fifth one is my favorite).
Verdict: I have conflicting feelings about what this one signals. On the one hand, people are working together having fun and creating. They’re using their talent for fun. Those are some great ways to roll back the doom. On the other hand, downloading TikTok is an incredibly bad idea, and I’m constantly surprised people actually do it. Being this easy of a target makes me think we’re doomed, indeed. Can’t you guys have fun with an app that is only kinda spying on us? And for marketing purposes rather than…well, who knows?
Little Shop of Horrors?
I never thought dentists were really like the one in Little Shop of Horrors until I saw this.
Verdict: Have these people never seen a movie? This is going to end in doom.
You’ve definitely seen one of these movies
Scientists have, for the first time, successfully extracted DNA from an insect embedded in tree resin.
Verdict: Seriously? Everyone at least knows the story of Jurassic Park. We all know this is doom.
Remember due process?
I’m pretty stoked on a large number of things to do with America, and one of those is due process. The idea that a person is innocent until proven guilty is an important one. Not at Yelp though, I guess.
Verdict: Everyone hates racism and nobody wants to support a racist establishment, and also this is a profoundly terrible idea. What’s to stop someone who has a personal grudge against an employee or somebody who just wants to see the world burn making one of these accusations? While Yelp makes it clear this is only a report, and not necessarily a condemnation, it won’t work that way in practice. People will see the badge and pick another establishment. Ruining lives without evidence is bad, people. It is a bad thing.
Hooray for Beatrice!
This is rad.
Verdict: It’s easy to think about all of the things that need work and forget about the truly astonishing amount of work that’s been done in one woman’s lifetime. We’ve come a long way, baby. Sorry, that was lame, but you know what I mean. We’re not nearly as doomed as people would have you believe.
Thankful
Cast your mind back, if you will. Bring yourself to 2016, if it is not yet lost in the mists of time. That was the year Wanda Dench accidentally texted total stranger Jamal Hinton about Thanksgiving plans when she meant to text her grandson. He asked if he could come to Thanksgiving, and the rest is history. They’ve done it every year since; they’re family now.
Verdict: Love one another. It’s really that easy to avoid doom. Cornbread stuffing never hurt either, though.
So choice
As a fan of both Ferris Bueller and classic automobiles, this made me happy.
Verdict: It’s fun. More fun = less doom.
Speaking of Ferris Bueller
I recently discovered the instagram account of a family in Australia that reenacts classic movie scenes. It’s incredible.
That one is my favorite, but how about an honorable mention for this other great scene?
Verdict: This is the kind of parenting that will save the world from doom.
In the final analysis… I have to say, this is the least doomed we’ve been in quite some time. We’ve got people having lighthearted fun, people helping each other out, and people using the internet for good. Let’s forget about naked celebrities and impending Jurassic Park-style chaos for now and call this week a win.
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!