Longstanding rumors that Donald Trump only sought political office for personal gain were confirmed Thursday, when documents were revealed showing his entire campaign and subsequent presidency were to launch a fanbase for his future endeavors in cheese graters.
Trump Cheese Graters are said to be “fantastic, terrific,” according to documents. A script for ad he was going to record reads, “People are saying they’ve never seen cheese graters like this before. It grates all kinds of cheese. Cheddar, mozzarella, swiss, even muenster. Unbelievable graters. You know people tell me all the time, Donald, I can never get solid blocks of cheese to grate just how I want them what can you do? And I say we’ll make a grater that’ll be the best you’ve ever seen. Believe me. Believe me.”
When pressed on this, the White House said the president’s interest in cheese and cheese graters has nothing to do with his efforts to create jobs, secure our borders and make sure Americans have the easiest time shredding parmesan on their pastas.