Ever since the vaccine guidelines detailing early eligibility for people with health risks such as obesity or smoking regularly were released, a local man has undertaken drastic lifestyle changes. 

Jim Striker, 38, used to start his day with orange juice and yoga. He now rips a pack of Marlboro Reds and sucks down a half-dozen Krispy Kremes all before 9:30 am.  

“In the interest of my health, I have decided to become an obese, chain-smoking piece of shit,” Striker said. “It’s for the best.”

Medical professionals applaud this decision, which the Hamster has been following for years.