By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
Benny & Linda Forever
In 1965, high school freshman Benny scratched his name with Linda’s in the desk one afternoon. After all, he had decided in fourth grade that they were getting married. 51 years ago, he did.
Verdict: With love like this, how can we be doomed? Benny and Linda just might save us all.
Birbs
If birds were real, there would only be a few hundred living in the wild. 20 or so of them did this:
Since we know that birds are not real, one has to wonder what her mom did to summon this many drones.
Verdict: “real” birds or drones, we’re definitely doomed.
You Tell Me
A man had a property line dispute with his neighbor, so he built a wall of poop. Are we doomed (because, you know, wall of poop) or are we saved (because this is an Earth-friendly and nonviolent solution to a conflict)? I can’t decide, but I had to add it this week.
Verdict: I want to hear from you! Tell me in the comments if we’re doomed or saved.
OK, Boomer
An Ohio Senator joined a call this week to discuss a bill that would increase penalties for distracted driving. He joined the call by Zoom, which is normal, but he was zooming from the car, which is not. And also a little too on the nose. The best part? He thought a greenscreen background of his office was going to work. I guess he usually wears a seatbelt at his desk and didn’t think anyone would notice.
Verdict: We’re not doomed. All politicians are pretty bad, but you can at least this guy is bad at hiding it. It’s the sly ones you have to worry about.
Be cool, ladies
There’s a celebrity dating site called Raya, and one of the rules is you have to keep things private. You can’t just get on TikTok and say you matched with Ben Affleck or Matthew Perry. This week, a woman did just that.
Verdict: It is too old fashioned to think that these women would just swipe left or, if the chat gets weird, unmatch? There’s no need to take it all public like you’re a victim. It’s a dating app. There is a 100% chance of meeting a weirdo, but there’s no reason to use them for your 15 minutes.
Lie to me
It turns out that a full third of people in the UK only wash their sheets once a year. If you think that’s bad, a quarter of men wear their undies 5 times before washing.
Verdict: This is a problem, folks. We’re doomed.
Why are people like this?
If you haven’t heard, there is a pandemic going on, but vaccines are now available. The problem is that the internet has decided that Pfizer is for hot people and Moderna is for lame-os. Don’t even get them started on Johnson & Johnson.
Verdict: Why does everything have to matter? Isn’t that exhausting? Doomed.
Congratulations, Najee!
Najee Harris held a party at the homeless shelter where he used to live. Later that night, he was drafted by the Steelers. “I wanted to make sure that I could give back to the community and show them if y’all still need anything — I’m never too big or too whatever to help you guys out, I’m always going to be the helping hand,” Harris told reporters.
Verdict: Gratitude and paying it forward are two of my favorite things. We’re not doomed.
In the final analysis… We’ve got birbs and people getting into their dirty beds wearing dirty undies, but we also have gratitude and a lifetime of love. Does it all come down to the poop wall? That might be where we are in 2021.
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!