By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
I would definitely not be cool
The Newsweek headline reads “Invasive Jumping Worms That Violently Thrash If Handled Now in at Least 15 U.S. States” and I didn’t even check to see if I live in one of those states because I like my odds right now.
Verdict: This is definitely doom. No two ways about it.
I’m sad
I almost didn’t even add this because it made me too sad, but it is my sworn duty (The Hamster had me swear on a Danielle Steel book and it was honestly kind of weird) to report the doom of the week to you. So, if you want to click this link you can watch young children beat each other on a school bus while their parents cheer them on and take video.
Verdict: We are doomed. Viral content is more important than your kids. Your kid winning in a fight is more important than teaching them better ways to deal with conflict (and protect them from physical harm). This video is the best embodiment of doom I’ve seen in a long time and I hate it. Here’s a video of my puppy playing with her detergent bottle, I hope it makes you feel better.
Congratulations?
There’s somebody for everybody.
Verdict: It’s pretty cool how nature just keeps chugging along. We might not be doomed, unless this is breeding a strain of superbears that will kill us all and, to be honest, I’m not ruling that out.
This is not about you
Demi Lovato went on an internet tirade about being triggered by a local froyo place because they offer sugar-free products. She said it was part of an icky culture that makes women feel like they have to diet. While shaming people is bad, offering products that your customers want or need is not bad. It is, in fact, good.
Verdict: People need to stop acting as though everything is a personal insult. Most people aren’t thinking about you at all, ok? The only thing that might save us are people like those who own this froyo shop who refused to validate her nonsense.
Please don’t
This guy took his girlfriend on a helicopter ride and then proposed to her with 5 diamond rings.
Verdict: I never understand these big, over-the-top proposals. Is getting engaged not exciting enough for them? I would run for the hills, and the fact that people do this kind of thing (and don’t even get me started on promposals) just goes to show that we are lost. Doom is here.
Good job, guys
You never know whose life you’re changing. Jessie Hamilton was the cook at an LSU fraternity house 30 years ago. When the brothers found out that she was still working 2 jobs at the age of 74 to pay off her house, they pitched in, raised money, and paid it off entirely.
Verdict: Love, respect, and gratitude will get us through the doom. What this community did for a woman who touched their lives embodies all three of those things. And I bet she never made them drink hummus milkshakes, BTW.
Sigh
I don’t know how many times I’ve asked “haven’t you ever seen a movie?” in this column, but you just don’t listen. Playing with life is a bad idea. CREATING A MONKEY HUMAN HYBRID EMBRYO IS A BAD IDEA.
Verdict: Do you want Jurassic Park Curious George, because this is how you get Jurassic Park Curious George and, obviously, doom. Oh, BTW, aliens but that’s getting to be old news.
Acts of Luxurious Generosity
After a recent fire at the Valentino shoe factory, Prada stepped in to help. After being hit hard by the pandemic, this was a terrible loss that was going to put people out of work. Then, Prada offered their facility. Valentino will start making shoes there in May. While they may be rivals, they are helping their fellow man.
Verdict: This is the stuff that gives me hope. Be a helper; stand against the doom.
In the final analysis… What a couple of weeks that was. We’ve got jumping worms, bizarre proposals, monkey men, and that horrible video which shall not be named. We’ve also got a company giving a rival a helping hand, people giving love and respect to someone who cared for them, and bears that might not be the end of humanity. We’re safe this week, but I’m starting to wonder how much longer that will last. Be excellent to each other.
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!