By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
Fire in the Hole
As you may recall, Gwyneth Paltrow sells a candle that she claims smells like her vagina (the name of the product is “This Smells Like My Vagina” so who am I to question it?). Reportedly, one of them blew up.
Verdict: We’re doomed on several levels with this one item alone.
Paying it Forward
Last year, word got out that former NBA player Delonte West was homeless. It turns out, alcohol had taken over his life. When Mark Cuban, who owns one of the teams for which West played, heard about it, he sought him out and got him into a rehab facility. Now that West is back on his feet, he’s working at the rehab center to help others.
Verdict: Helping others? Check. Paying it forward? Check. This is a sign of non-doom indeed.
Foosball
The NFL is going to give Super Bowl tickets to 7,500 vaccinated healthcare workers. Seems like a good way to get an audience for the big game safely while thanking workers who have had a rough year (to say the least).
Verdict: I get that this is good PR for the NFL and puts butts in seats without having a super spreader event. Still, they didn’t have to do this and I’m sure it’s appreciated by football aficionados. Not doomed.
We’re going on a “bear” hunt
A lawmaker in Oklahoma has proposed a hunting season for Bigfoot. He says that issuing the tags could help boost tourism in an area already popular with Sasquatch enthusiasts.
Verdict: Bigfoot isn’t on any endangered lists that I know of, so happy hunting! This seems like a fun way to get some revenue into the state without raising taxes, and that’s a great way to prevent doom.
All we need are memes
In this deeply divided time, it is the memes which will bring us together and keep us from breaking into an all-out civil war. Specifically, the meme of Bernie Sanders at the inauguration. After the picture went viral, Sanders added a sweatshirt featuring the photo to his online store and has pledged 100 percent of the proceeds to Meals on Wheels in his home state of Vermont.
Verdict: If the meme can make me like Bernie Sanders, it truly is the meme that will save us. We are not doomed.
In the final analysis… On the plus side, we have people not taking themselves too seriously, Bernie Sanders doing good deeds, and people overcoming addiction. In the negative column, Gwyneth Paltrow is now burning things down with her vagina.
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!