By Amelia Hamilton

Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

Wine Matters

During medieval plagues (BTW, bubonic plague is currently spreading in China), Italian villages created “wine windows” where you could be served a glass of wine without having to interact with anyone. They’re back!

It reminds me of these bartenders serving illegal drinks in NYC, which has my full support.

Verdict: Finding ways to get your wine during a plague is how we keep the doom away. Italy knows what’s up.

Free Speech is Critical

A friend of mine had somebody leave a note on her front door and on lampposts around her neighborhood in Brooklyn because they didn’t like something she tweeted. She will not be silenced and is not going to cower to bullies. Free speech matters and the only people that need to be canceled are those who would silence others.

Verdict: This is one of the issues that will determine our doom. If we let people speak, we will be free from tyranny and doom. If we keep trying to bully people into silence, we are completely doomed. Just one step away from suggesting “morality pills” are ethical, at which point I’m rooting for boomerang earthquakes.

Adopt A Buddy

A shelter cat named Dennis Quaid needed a home. And he got one – with actor Dennis Quaid.

Verdict: This is why the internet was invented – to unite cats with their celebrity namesakes. Not doomed at all.

This caterpillar does what?

This caterpillar piles old heads on top of its new head for self defense and I’m not ok.

Verdict: We’re doomed. Sorry.

*FREEDOM SCREECH*

This made my freedom-lovin’ heart so happy.

Verdict: With avian avengers watching over us, we’re not doomed at all.

Stop Ruining Things

You know what nobody wanted and we really don’t need? A dark, gritty reboot of the Fresh Fudging Prince of Fudging Bel Fudging Air. You know what we want? The Carlton.

Here’s the dumb fudging trailer:

Verdict: Enough with the dark and gritty reboots. Just make a new show if that’s what you want, but don’t destroy a classic like this. Come on, that’s how we get doomed.

Pups on Ice

If you didn’t know I’m obsessed with hockey and dogs, I’m not sure where you’ve been, but I’m glad you found my column!

Recently, Philadelphia Flyer mascot Gritty (who is genuinely creepy, but we will overlook that for now) officiated a hockey game amongst puppies.

Verdict: Hockey is back, and there are puppies. One can hardly even see doom from here.

Start appreciating the good things

The rioters are supposedly trying to bring awareness to societal issues, but they’re going to lose people awfully fast if they can’t focus their destruction. For example, don’t smash up a Ronald McDonald House. That is one of those organizations that is nothing but good (as far as I know; please feel free to tell me about the dark and seedy underbelly of an organization that gives families a place to stay near their hospitalized children as they get medical care).

Verdict: We are all doomed if we can’t communicate better than this, and we are all doomed already if people are attacking The Ronald McDonald House. Get it together, people.

Thanksgiving dinner, but worse

I’m not a big fan of thanksgiving dinner. I like stuffing; I like mashed potatoes, and I like green beans, but turkey? I could do without turkey. I could do without cranberry sauce. I like the idea of turkey dinner-flavored candy corn even less.

Verdict: Mustard beer? Mayochup, and now this? Brands need to stop. Just stick to what you do and do it well. Make candy. 

Everybunny Needs Fans

Perfect quarantine activity.

Verdict: Enjoying the little things around you is how we prevent doom.

In the final analysis… This week, it seems like we might be ok. There are bunnies, and puppies, and movie star cats. Then again, there are also disgusting candies, creepy caterpillars, and people attacking those who are just helping. Let’s just make sure the good stuff wins.

Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!