By Amelia Hamilton

Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here. 

Have Some Decorum

Cicadas are getting freaky, you guys. 

Here are a few headlines:

Washington Post- A Fungus Could Turn Some Cicadas Into Sex-Crazed “Salt Shakers of Death” 

Smithsonian- Cicadas Falls Prey to a Psychadelic-Produing-Fungus That Makes Their Butts Fall Off

NPR-A Fungus Is Pushing Cicada Sex Into Hyperdrive And Leaving Them Dismembered 

Verdict: Let’s break this down. There are cicadas everywhere. There is a sex fungus. The two have now interacted. The result of that is so much sex that body parts are falling off. We are absolutely, definitely doomed.


Com(mi)e on, Russia

Russia wants to clone an army of 3,000 year-old Scythian warriors.

Verdict: I guess we’re just living in a James Bond movie now, so we’re probably doomed. 


Kindness

Before playing in the semi-finals of the Mutua Madrid Open, tennis player Rafael Nadal happened to see a special message. A man tweeted Nadal to let him know that his 95 year-old grandmother Manuela was going to be there to see him play. He wrote “She is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and she told me that before she forgets what tennis and you mean to her, she wanted to see you live. I hope that she enjoys this day as much as I’m enjoying it.” After the match, the two were able to meet in person.

Verdict: It was a small act of kindness for Nadal to share a moment on his time with Manuela, but one that many wouldn’t take the time to do. This kindness will mean so much to Manuela and her family, and tells me that we are not doomed. 


A Chance Encounter

Three years ago, Latonya Young gave Kevin Esch an Uber ride, and her life was changed forever. She shared that she was a single mom driving at night to pay off a utility bill and was hoping to go back to Georgia State to finish her degree in the future. Esch helped Latonya get her utility bill paid and get back to school and she has now earned a degree in criminal justice. 

Verdict: Sometimes, we meet just the right people. Esch was an incredible help to Latonya, but she had to put in a ton of hard work to get it done. There are still great people in the world willing to work hard and help others, so I think we’re going to be ok. 


The Kids Are Alright

What??

Verdict: A couple of child stars (from one of the best movies ever) that grew up to be normal and in love? We can’t possibly be doomed.


Hero Dogs

A 12-year old girl in Ohio was out with her dog when a man chased after her. While the girl ran home, the dog took the guy down to keep her safe.

A cat in England fell down a well and was missing for 10 days until a dog heard her meows and alerted the local humans. Flea the cat is ok and, in typical cat fashion, is reported to be acting like nothing ever happened.

Verdict: As long as there are dogs, we are not doomed. What have you done this week to deserve dogs?


And a Hero For Dogs

A reporter doing a live story about the theft of a dog named Titus, when she spotted and recovered the dog.

You can watch it here:

Verdict: A chance spotting, a family reunited. Just warms the cockles of the heart with its lack of doom, doesn’t it?


Aliens Are Back

It’s been a while since I reported on aliens in here, but they are back with a vengeance. 

A Former Naval officer says they are 100 to 1,000 years ahead of us in technology. 

Verdict: Depends on what they want. Maybe they’re going to rescue us from the cicadas or something. Probably doomed, though.


Does insurance cover that?

One of Gwynnie’s vagina-scented candles exploded. No injuries were reported.

Verdict: This candle exists. Some guy bought it (for $75). He then actually used it. Now, he’s trying to get rich because he doesn’t know how to burn a candle. We’re very doomed. 


We’re All in This Together

When a school bus driver was bus-jacked, he and his kindergarten passengers kept each other safe. Driver Kenneth Corbin reports that, after just a few miles, the busjacker was so tired of answering questions from the kids that he asked to be let off the bus.

Verdict: While this driver was doing everything he could to keep the kids in his charge safe, the kids were looking out for him as well. Looking out for each other is the best way to prevent doom. Maybe we’re going to be ok. 


Please forgive me

I don’t know how I forgot this one, so please forgive me and allow me to rectify this so long after the fact. The Josh Fight happened, and a winner emerged victorious. 

Verdict: It gives me great hope for the future to know that people are still willing to get together and have some fun. Plus, they chose an incredible winner. 


In the final analysis… It seems like there was a lot of goodness this week what with the kindness towards others and the dogs. If only we don’t end up with sex-crazed cicadas having to pair up with a resurrected army to do battle with aliens, we’re probably going to be ok. But that’s a big “if”. Be excellent to each other. 

Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about whats going on and Ill let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless its just totally doomed, in which case Ill tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!