By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
Filling a Need
My favorite people are those who see a need and fill it. They don’t want for somebody else to step up, they just get it done. Take Sarah Bloomfield, for example, who works for a hospice in Michigan. When they started having to wear masks for work, she discovered that a hard-of-hearing coworker had a new problem – a mask means you can’t read lips. So, she started making masks with a clear plastic window that makes it possible to see a person’s mouth. She’s making them as fast as she can, but has also shared the pattern for free so that anyone can make them and help others.
Verdict: This is about as doom-free as a situation gets. She saw a need, she did something about it, and she’s making it easy for others to help, too.
A double helping
Farmers and other food producers are having a hard time right now. Without schools, restaurants, and hotels, they are producing more than they can sell. In the case of dairy farmers, they’re having to dump milk and other unsold produce. Grocery store chain Publix has announced they’re going to buy milk and other produce from farmers in their operating area and donate it to local food banks, which are facing incredible demand right now.
Verdict: This is doubly helpful. Publix is helping farmers by buying produce and helping their local communities by donating to food pantries. This is holding off a lot of doom for a lot of people.
There is still deliciousness
Are you a fan of delicious flavor? Me, too. So is this baby trying ice cream for the first time.
And so is this baby trying queso for the first time.
Verdict: If we all tried to live our lives discovering and enjoying things like these babies, I think the world would be a pretty good place. Also, if there were more queso and ice cream.
Here’s what happened: A guy bought a ton of beans to get through quarantine. Later, he goes to use a couple of cans of beans to make chili, and there are no beans. Knowing the beans had not been eaten, he asked his girlfriend where they were only to find that she had buried them in the woods in case COVID gets so crazy that we need bean bunkers. She refused to tell him where they were and broke up with him for pushing her to give up the secret location. You can read the whole thing here.
Verdict: Storing up food seems like a good idea, but this seems like too much. This poor girl seems like she’s really scared and I feel bad for her, but also what the heck? We’re doomed for handling possible doom like this. You’re going to need your people more than your beans if the coronapocalypse hits.
Warm kitty, windy kitty, little ball of snow?
Weatherman Jeff Lyons has had to work at home like the rest of us but, unlike most of us, he’s still having to be on television. During a recent report, his cat Betty walked up to Lyons demanding cuddles. He complied, and now Betty the Weather Cat is a frequent guest.
Verdict: I’m definitely a dog person, but all animals make everything better. Even the weather.
Verdict: While I certainly wouldn’t want strippers at my funeral and wouldn’t want to attend a funeral with strippers, it hardly seems like the government’s business. Then again, not much does. It’s doom central.
Alex Trebek Beastmode
Did you know Alex Trebek had a beastmode? I didn’t. But, dang.
Verdict: I honestly don’t know. It was mean, so I think we’re doomed. It was hilarious, so I think we’re not doomed. But am I doomed for thinking it was hilarious he was this savage to that poor woman? Jury is still out on that one.
A Future King’s Thoughts on an Ex King
In a recent interview, Prince William was asked about Tiger King and replied “I tend to avoid shows about royalty.” That’s my new favorite thing about Tiger King (except perhaps this song that should win every Grammy).
Verdict: Will & Kate will save the royal family from the Harry & Meghan’s of the world, and I am here for it. No doom here.
Or, in this case, a lack thereof. Have you noticed that every COVID-19 commercial is exactly the same? They are.
Is that better or worse than former gymnast McKayls Moroney’s new single about being on lockdown? I have never heard this much autotune in my life.
Verdict: I’m as unimpressed as McKayla Moroney about these videos. Let’s step it up or we’re doomed.
Jazz Up Your Zoom
Tired of Zoom meetings? Sick of staring at your coworkers? Are the funny backgrounds even getting old? Well, do I have news for you. It is now possible to have a farm animal join your Zoom call for $100 to jazz things up (good jazz, like Sinatra, not bad jazz that sounds like a trumpet dying). I would probably get a llama. How about you?
Verdict: This animal sanctuary found a cool way to make money in a crisis, and I dig that. They refuse to be doomed.
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. Let me help!