By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
Just invade already
It seems like aliens have been tiptoeing around the universe for months now, and they need to make up their minds. Come say hi, or go on home. Nobody has time for extraterrestrial stalkers. Now we’ve got life on Venus and a UFO over New Jersey to deal with (we’re supposed to believe it’s a blimp? Yeah, ok) and something leaking out of Uranus.
Verdict: These aliens need to make up their minds so we know if we’re doomed or not. Fish or cut bait, guys. Just a quick question in the meantime- why are you so obsessed with us?
Congrats?
This year, Emmy awards will be handed out by people in tuxedo-style hazmat suits. Maybe they will protect us all from their sense of superiority, but I doubt it.
Verdict: As ridiculous as this is, the thing that dooms us is that it won’t be the most ridiculous thing of the night. That will be the overwrought speeches, which are indeed a sense of doom.
Do not pet
I love animals, but I’m not so sure about this incredibly well-preserved cave bear from the ice age. Seeing that 2020 is a land of horrifying wonders, scientists are probably going to try to bring it to life Frankenstein-style.
Verdict: This is honestly incredibly cool and I hope to watch a documentary about it in the future. Let’s leave this in the past, though, and not doom ourselves.
This shouldn’t have to be said
A Florida teacher had to ask parent to wear clothes and not appear with “big joints” during their kids’ zoom classes. Mostly, I think it’s gross that teachers are spying on kids during Zoom sessions, but this request seems reasonable.
Verdict: Listen, nobody likes to wear pants, but this shouldn’t have to be said.
In the final analysis… Rough week. Formal hazmat suits and nude, stoned parents aren’t great. However, there’s a chance that the aliens won’t attack us and Russian scientists aren’t currently working on reanimating cave bears, so…win? We’re not doomed yet, but this is a precarious position. Be careful out there.
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!