By Amelia Hamilton

Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

I feel so safe now

The city of Bradford, England has a rather unusual plan to limit that spread of COVID. They’ve hired men to wander the streets with televisions strapped above their heads bearing various safety rules. 

Verdict: People are genuinely spending taxpayer dollars on this as though people just haven’t heard that we’re supposed to socially distance and wear a mask. This level of stupidification is doom in itself, and it heralds greater doom. 


Celebrating Moments

As insanity swirls around us, our lives go on. There are still big milestones and people to celebrate with. Things like passing the bar and getting into your first choice of college

Verdict: It’s easy to look around and see the aforementioned insanity, but let’s make sure we are remembering to celebrate our lives with people we love or we are doomed indeed. These people have the right idea. 


Pass the chianti

Did anyone have “celebrity cannibal” on their 2021 bingo card? Well, here you go. Actor Armie Hammer had to drop out of a  film shoot this week after DMs surfaced in which he (allegedly!) admitted to being a cannibal. Then again, it might just be a super weird fetish and is raising questions about consent. 

Is it wrong that this tweet me laugh?

Did anyone but me think of The IT Crowd

There are a lot of questions around this, and I want none of the answers. 

Verdict: The fact that we see leaked cannibalism DMs and, rather than think “this is obviously fake; do better next time” we think “maybe he’s a cannibal, maybe not, better look into the consent implications” is nothing but doom. 


Woof

Quebec has a curfew of 8:00 PM which, as a nocturnal virus, is when COVID comes out for the evening. However, if you’re walking your dog and sticking close to home, you may leave your home. So, one couple got creative…but also heavily fined. Apparently, putting a leash on your husband doesn’t fool anyone.  

Verdict: It’s hard to say. Some of the weird COVID guidelines don’t seem to make a lot of sense and most people follow them without question. So, that seems like doom to me. These people coming up with creative loopholes to authoritarian stuff makes me feel a little better. 


There are kids here, bro

I’m just going to quote Variety, because I could never come up with something better. “Danish public broadcaster DR has ruffled feathers with its latest children show “John Dillermand,” a comedy about a man whose giant penis gets him in and out of all sorts of trouble.”

Verdict: There is no question that we’re doomed. 


In the final analysis… We’ve got kids shows starring genitals and celebrity cannibals, but we also have people making me laugh in a lockdown and celebrating the huge wins in their lives. If we keep living our lives and focusing on our communities, we might make it through. It’s getting awfully close, though, so I need everyone to chill. 


Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about whats going on and Ill let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless its just totally doomed, in which case Ill tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!