By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
Me want geode
A rock collector has discovered a geode that has a Cookie Monster cross-section.
Verdict: Not doomed at all. The earth has given us a gift to keep our spirits up, and I am here for it.
How dare you?
A woman found multiple photos of her husband with a woman who was younger and thinner than she and did the only possible thing to do in that situation (if you’re a crazy person). That’s right, she stabbed him. Many times. And that’s when it came to light that they were old photos of the two of them and she hadn’t recognized herself. That’s awkward.
Verdict: We’re doomed. We live in a world in which people will stab first and actually look at the picture later, and that’s just about the worst.
Mount Pleasant, South Carolina is giving COVID vaccines in a drive-through setting. All was going well until a computer glitch called traffic gridlock, so Mayor Will Haynie did the only logical thing – he called Chick-fil-A and asked their manager to help. Of course, it was ironed out and running smoothly in no time, because that’s the magic of the CFA drive through.
Verdict: See? Let experts do their thing instead of thinking super inefficient institutions will suddenly start working, and we won’t be doomed at all.
Is this science?
I’m no scientist, but using an anal swab to test for a respiratory virus seems fairly counterintuitive. Still, China is going for it!
Verdict: I’m pretty sure this is doom on multiple levels.
High school twin sisters Ava and Lily Weinstein from New York helped their grandparents navigate the process for online vaccine registration. Realizing that not everyone has grandkids available to pitch in, they decided to hand out fliers with their number, set up a website and help the seniors who get in touch.
Verdict: Taking time to help others is the best way to stop the doom. Well done, girls.
An investor in Texas used the money he earned on GameStop stocks to give sick children a boost by anonymously donated 10 Nintendo Switches.
Verdict: Along with helping others, giving people a boost of hope and cheer is another good way to tell the doom to keep on walking.
In the final analysis… We have anal swabs and murderous wives, but we also have people helping others, giving back, and a natural cookie monster. We might be ok! Maybe.
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. Let me help!