After 3 months which have seen impeachment, plague, pestilence and rumors of war, the one-world government that has been convened to manage coronavirus has decided to cancel April Fools’ Day.

“We thought it might give people a sense of normalcy to continue these traditions,” said spokeswoman Anne Van Teuling. “But we thought it might draw attention to the fact that everything is real now. In the end, with nothing left to parody, it just made sense to cancel it altogether.”

Velvet Hamster will remain hard at work reporting the realest of news.